I am ...venting.

As we round out the first full month of 2009, I find myself wrapped in a myriad of emotions. So much, yet so little has happened.

I am happy. In my personal life, things are somewhat stagnant. My job is steady ( which I realize is saying quite a lot in the current economy). I still enjoy my career, and we aren't planning any major moving for a while. D. is finishing up this round of school this June, Wellstone is growing nicely into a well rounded, spoiled great dane, and Gizmo remains, well... Gizmo ( if you know her, you know what that means) We have what we need to get by, are no longer struggling with no hope and no money. We are looking forward to watching the superbowl on our new plasma ( or lcd.. yet to be determined) television. Things on the homefront are everything we could dream. I am very happy. D. and I both feel we are headed in the right direction and only positive things are ahead.

I am hopeful. I listened to the inaugural speech today while working, and felt exactly as I have felt each time our new president speaks. He is the message of hope and I am willing to believe in him, and the future of our nation. Things will get better, and we will rise above the difficulties we are now facing. I hope, we are not let down.

I am sad. This past week my great grandmother passed away. She was 103 years old. How much she saw in her lifetime, the Great Depression, both World Wars, and the evolution of industry and technology. Just think what the automobile has evolved into over the past 100 years. She was a great woman, whom I did not spend entirely enough time with. She was funny and as a result one of my favorite people. I have been fortunate that in my lifetime I have only lost 2 relatives. Both of them wonderful, inspiring, bright women who made up part of the woman I am today. As I think back on both of them, I try to remember their brightest days, their wise eyes and their warm smiles. I should, I realize take more time to get to know my still living relatives, and learn from their vast knowledge, before it's too late.

I am worried. D.'s grandmother has fallen ill again. I have spent time with her, and have come to feel like she is an extended part of my own family. My heart, and I am sure D.'s heart, is with her now and we both wish her a speedy recovery.

I am angry. I am so angry I can't stand it. I can't seem to release the anger, though I have tried. I have been betrayed, lied to, and therefore confused. I do not know what to be other than angry. Even though, I am trying with all my power to be understanding, to educate myself, to listen, I am angry. I will forever be angry that someone hurt you. I will always have the feeling that I need to protect you, or save you from harm. I am angry that I cannot save you now, and that you do not want me to. Please understand that I am trying to overcome this, but I have to let it out.

I am understanding. I do understand. I am listening. I know that I need to be here for you, and I am. I am here for you to trust. I do understand, how could I not? You have to follow your heart now, just as I have so many times in the past. I understand.

I am health conscious. I made it my 29th year resolution to finally care about my outer self. I have never been a woman to put much effort into physical appearance, or healthy practices. This year, however, I have decided to overcome that. I have begun a Pilate's workout everyday, and truly do feel a lot better. I will work on eating better, though to be honest, thus far, it hasn't happened. ( burger king just tastes SOOO good sometimes)

I am in love. I love D. more now than ever. I am truly happy to have found in him a person who can put up with all my craziness, my opinions and my outbursts. Not to mention my tendency for clutter, and reluctance to do household chores like laundry.

I am nervous. About what, I don't know. I just feel anxious all the time. I seriously need to relax.

And there, I have vented. About everything, perhaps not. About enough, definitely.

And on that note: I leave you with this scene ( a dream I had the other night)

The wind, the sand, the water, the sun.... ah.... paradise. Relaxing, isn't it? If only I could feel that way in my waking hours.

A.