I think we're dealing with a sociopath

Yesterday in my small office (5 of us were in) someone used the common microwave, burned something awful, created a terrible burned toast smell in the office, attempted to "clean up" with no success and then, LIED about it. We polled the 5 people present and everyone said they had nothing to do with it. Continuing into today, everyone claims they had nothing to do with it, offering long stories of their innocence. Why would you lie about this, unless of course you are a sociopath.

Basic profile of a Sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. 

In a related note, after reading this profile I am completely convinced that one of my co-workers is dangerously close to the edge of becoming a serial killer.  (though not nearly as intelligent as the famous Hannibal Lecter) Probably the same person who is lying about the microwave.

Brain storm

Sitting here at work, the early morning before everyone else arrives, I watch the little old lady in the condo next door vacuum and water plants. I envy her. She has time, time to vacuum and water plants at her leisure. I imagine she has time to do other things she enjoys (yes, in my mind she is enjoying the mundane task of vacuuming with her absurdly out of date gigantic vacuum cleaner-- the kind with the separate tank that you have to pull along behind you). She has time, is the point. Time to casually water her plants, tend to her flowers and relax on her balcony. She seems so peaceful and happy-- but really it's just because she has time.

As I watch her, my envy of her time grows and my mind shifts into brainstorming ideas on how I can achieve more time for myself-- clearly sitting in an office all day working for someone else is not the answer...
 

I think of things I enjoy doing that I could potentially start a business in to sustain our lifestyle while giving myself more personal time.

Cleaning and organizing. I like being at home, and having time to do this. It makes me feel better about our home. But, I dont want to clean and organize someone else's home. So, no.

Hanging out with the dog. I like hanging out with Wellstone, and often wish I was home during the day to go on walks, to the dog park and beach etc. But, again, I dont want to do this with other dogs, just my own.  So, no again.

Watering plants. I do enjoy taking care of my little deck plants. But, again, I dont want to do this for others. No again.

Then, after realizing I don't want to do things I remember the things I do like about things as they are. I like being downtown during the day, I like typing (which i realize is strange) I do get to clean and organize and etc. in my job. Turns out the job isnt all bad. If only I could get my boss to let me bring Wellstone to the office.

I just think maybe it would be better if things were more balanced. If I had more time at home to enjoy being at home, but still got to come downtown to work -- how do I make this happen? Wait and see I guess. Maybe when I am older this will work out for me, in the meantime-- back to the grindstone.

The Hard Way

I have never chosen to do anything in life the easy way, the way you are "supposed" to, I never followed the mainstream, "This is how you achieve success" rulebook. And, despite all the years of headaches I have thus given my parents and friends, I feel it is time to explain myself.

I did it on purpose.

Now surely, you're thinking..."whaaaa? you got arrested for speeding violations, worked for minimum wage and got in a 4 car accident ON PURPOSE?! I don't think so." Well, in specific terms you would be right, but I did allow certain situations to occur, including these bad ones. As I see it, bad situations happen, regardless of if you always do the "right" thing or not. The thing is, it's the way you handle these bad situations that builds your character. Did I always handle these things correctly-- of course not. But did I learn something about the way life works, how I handle stress and bad situations, and a little about myself/growing up? You bet. And, that's the part I was fully aware of-- and purposefully taking part in.

I have always done things my own way-- which is precisely the reason I love art, literature and science, but not mathematics. My mind works in the realm of constant possibility. This mind function has led me to several realizations about myself, including:

1. I refuse to do what people tell me is the "right" way to do things. There are just too many other options, and I want to find my own way.
2. I need to live in an area where there are boundless opportunities/activities/cultures. A small town where everyone and everything is the same, drives me a little batty eventually. Give me a city.

There is no "right" way. I did everything the "hard" way and got myself into and out of terrible situations, yet still command a certain level of stable success as a 30-something. You may not envy my life-- but I would ask you to respect it. I didn't get here by any means other than my own self awareness, tough real life experience and ability to accept limitless possibilities while believing in myself. 

Of course, perhaps you and I have a different idea of what success is.

To me, success is: Securing a stable career with a practical salary which allows us to live well, within our  means. Participating in a loving relationship in which both partners are fully committed and respectful of each others individual dreams, while sharing a common understanding of life. Living each day of life to the fullest potential, recognizing the multiple possibilities each new day brings. Respecting every culture and every individual. Taking joy in the small aspects of life, and not being caught up in the Capitalist notion of money and consumption. Taking time to allow art into your life, as it feeds the soul. Living your life in a manner that is truly yours, and cannot be defined by a generalized ideology of what success means.

As a result of my living my life in this manner, and doing things my unique way, I have no regrets. I cannot (will not) blame anyone or anything for the mistakes I have made. I have to accept my choices, and move forward. This has allowed me to gain confidence in myself, my choices, my actions and etc.

One of these choices was to move to Chicago. I realize that for many this is difficult to understand. I am very proud of my small town roots. As being from a small Ohio town, I learned the values of hard work, loyalty and determination. I learned that people are just people, no matter where you are, and they deserve your respect. But, small towns, however pretty, peaceful and hard working, are not for me. My mind operates in a sphere of possibility, and there aren't as many options in a small town. Small towns do not offer as many cultures to learn from, varieties of foods to sample, multiple art installations to review, etc. Since I can remember, despite my upbringing, I have never felt like I could breathe in a small town. It was as though I was suffocated, unable to take a breath. Cleveland was the first city I lived in where I felt like I could breathe easier. Chicago has relieved the stress, I no longer hold my breath, I can finally breathe. You don't have to envy our life here-- but at least try to respect it.

We are not all the same. I realize that many of you thrive in your small towns, and that is perfect-- for you. I wouldn't ask it to be any other way. I truly believe, in order to make our lives as happy as possible, you must make decisions uniquely for who you are as a person. Maybe a small town suits you, maybe a city, perhaps the mountains, or even an island. What matters is that you do what is right for YOU. Luckily, Dave and I have found not only each other but a mutual understanding of what each of us needs as individuals to be happy-- and we compromise. I need the activity and possibilities of the city, he needs the feeling of a neighborhood with community-- thus-- we live in Rogers Park (possibly the best secret of Chicago neighborhoods).

And that's where we are now. We are happy. And, that is why I did everything the hard way. I never have those days where I look back on my life with regret and think," what would I be doing if I had chosen..." because I did choose it. I did explore the possibilities. I did work multiple jobs before finding something that suits me. (Don't believe me? try this: Car salesperson, business to business office supplies sales, drug store assistant manager, retail outlet assistant manager, department store jewelry counter rep, talent/model scout, pre-k teacher, montessori school assistant director, event planning, radio station promotion, investment banking-- to name a few) I did live in multiple places before finding one that fit (Zanesville, Reading, Columbus, Cleveland, Chicago). I did allow those bad situations to build my character-- I give really good advice it turns out-- I have a lot of life experience. And, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Fear vs. Love

Today I interviewed a potential intern. As we already know from my previous rants relating stories of the lack of common sense my interns possess, he will most likely end up being primarily worthless. At this point please do not concern yourself with the perplexing nagging question of why I hire them in the first place, this is just one of those cases where I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with. All that said.... this interview brought up an intriguing thought.

During the interview I always ask, " What was the last book you read?" I ask this because it gives me a sense of personality, which is important in our small team-oriented office, and it helps weed out the kiss-ass over-studying ridiculous-ness that is the modern college undergrad. Word of advice: if you answer with some obscure business related, or econ related or modeling related textbook or study, I will be disappointed, and I don't hire those who disappoint me in the interview.

Side Note: I also will NOT HIRE you if :

1. You show up to my company for an interview, insisting that you have scheduled said interview with Constance, or Emily or Brittney in HR. I am the only person in HR here. If you didn't speak with me, you are in the wrong place.

2. You show up for the interview wearing a "long" sweater and leggings. If I can see your pink underwear through your black tights, this is not appropriate work attire, let alone interview worthy wear. I don't care if it's trendy, it's tacky. 

3. You cannot speak English. I speak English, my colleagues  speak English, my boss and the owner of the company speaks English, our clients, while located in various countries do business with us in English.  If you speak another language, more power to you, but I need to be able to communicate with you on a daily basis.

4. You give me attitude. While it is true that I perform Assistant duties for Tom, I am not ONLY an assistant. I am interviewing you, I will hire you, I will be your supervisor (among the many other things I do on a daily basis) DO NOT come into an interview with me and ask to speak with "someone who does the hiring". I will likely ask you to leave. 

5. You answer or text on your cell phone during the interview. Really? Come on. 

Now, back to the point I was failing to make. Today's intern applicant answered my book question not only positively, but it made me think. His answer was " The Prince" by Machiavelli. A classic I have read several times and own. The interviewee expressed the following about this reading material:

(Paraphrased) "It was short and I chose it because it was during a flight, so I thought I could finish it and its a classic. But also, it was really thought provoking.  In the book Machiavelli basically states that in the role of a leader it is better to be feared than loved. People listen to you more and are more willing to do things for a leader they fear, rather than one they love. I could relate this to my experiences and think this is something I should consider as I want to start my own business someday. Machiavelli makes a really good point about what it takes to be a leader."

Thus we are brought to the title of this post, Fear vs. Love. The thing I have noticed is, he is not alone in believing this. Several business professionals have adopted this principle.  While they may be good people, on an individual level, they instill a deep rooted fear in their employees and clients. And, it works. Or does it?

Personally, I lean more towards being loved. I have managed people of varying degrees of education, social status in large or small groups. And, I have done everything in my power to remain friendly and approachable throughout my leadership role. To my knowledge, I have never been feared. Of course its possible I have not been loved either, but for the sake of argument. The thing is, I have stayed in touch with a majority of the people I have managed. And, better yet, they are reaching out to me. If I were feared, I doubt that would be the case... in fact I am fairly certain that I would do everything in my power to not have contact with a leader I "feared" after I left my position... and I would definitely leave my position after a while... you can only work so long under a reign of fear.  My position: it is better to be loved than feared.

With any luck, my *new* intern will learn this valuable lesson.

Common Sense University

We hire interns in my office to assist us with research, marketing and presentations, as well as usual intern stuff like coffee runs and filing. We post at prestigious schools in the greater Chicago area, and have a g.p.a. stipulation of 3.75 or above. We have a small, laid back office which provides these interns with the ability to be flexible, work with top executives and really get to learn something. Plus, we pay them. In return, all I ask is for 2 things: 1. respect 2. do the work we are asking you to do. Seems simple, right?

But I have noticed an interesting trend. Students who don't quite make the g.p.a. cut off, and/or are from the "less" prestigious schools make better interns. They listen to me, they respect the positions of all the members of our team, they ask intelligent questions, and they complete the work to the best of their ability. The super students from top-tier schools with amazing test scores and off the chart g.p.a's have continually let me down.

Oscar Wilde said, " Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."

I can't help but be reminded of this, of how important common sense is in real life every time I am faced with intern blunders I can't understand. Below are some common examples, keep in mind that these are not examples of ONE intern, but many, and have occurred multiple times, all from excellent students from a top school.



1.Paper/Folder Sizes: I cannot count how many times I have had to explain and even demonstrate with examples the difference between letter size paper/folders and legal size paper/folders. Countless times I have a letter size hanging folder in my left hand, and a legal size in my right, and have to lay them on top of each other to demonstrate the difference.


2. Alphabetical Order: At what point did we stop learning the order of the alphabet? "W" comes after "P" and "Pr" before "Pu". I don't even have words to describe how annoying this is.

3. 3 Hole Punch Operation: There is a fancy machine made to punch holes in a piece of paper, you literally slide the piece of paper into the side, then push down, and Presto! 3 holes! Ok, let's go over it again, you slide the piece of paper in... in the front... until it stops.... ok, you press down... no, keep the paper there while you press down.... *sigh

4. Binder Construction: We have given you a stack of paper, every 15 or so pages there is a blank sheet on which we have written the title of the section. We have handed you tabs, a 3 ring binder and the 3 hole punch (that hopefully you remember how to use now). Your instructions: put this in the binder, the names on the blank pages are the names of the tabs. It is already in order. Yet, 20 mins (yes 20!!) later, you bring me the binder, and extra pages.

5. Answering the Phone: We are a business, this is not your cell phone, "hello?" doesn't cut it.

6. Proof Reading: Occasionally we ask for help proof reading final documents. First of all, it's a giveaway that you didn't read it closely if it only took you 10 mins to finish a dense 100+ page document. Secondly, in your scouring, you missed: " The company has one several awards" you will not be asked to proof again. As a side note of proofing: for the love of everything holy, do not turn in a presentation to me that you clearly have never read. I hate re-doing your work.

7. Punctuality vs. Punctuation: Me: "I'd like you to work on your punctuality" Intern: "Yeah, I need to work on my comma placement"

8. Calls to Clients:Occasionally we ask interns to assist in database updates, sometimes this means calling to get updated contact information. If your list a. hasn't been approved and b. contains the names of our CURRENT clients... please do not call them.

9. Ask Questions Related to the Work: I get it, you are here to learn. But, I need you here to do your work, so stop asking me tons of questions about something you recently learned in class, UNLESS IT RELATES to the project you are supposed to be working on.

10. Galloping: I don't get the running/galloping up and down the hall, is it to save time, be more efficient? Are your gchat friends and solitaire cards not going to be at your desk when you return from down the hall?

11. Time Sheets: I hate to break it to you, but you are not getting away with anything, I know full well that you sat in the conference room playing solitaire and chatting with your friends all day, listing 8 hours for the day on updating a presentation is ludicrous, especially since I had to re-do the whole thing. Also, you didn't work on Labor Day, or Christmas or New Years Eve.

When I bring things to your attention, all I ask is that you listen, contemplate and respect my position, but instead, more often than not I get a snide remark such as, " I'm a (Prestigious School) student!" as if this is proof that you are far more intelligent and superior to me. Well, I don't care where you go to school or what your g.p.a. is if you can't figure out a 3 hole punch!

*sigh. I worry about the future of humanity.

Ramblings of a Boring Person

I think I used to be much more interesting and intelligent when I was younger, or perhaps, in my youth I was just naive/cocky enough to believe I was interesting and intelligent. Hard to say.

I can't wait to be married to Dave, but planning a wedding that will cost thousands for a few hours of enjoyment might be the death of me.

Why can't I just chop off my hair and dye it bright red? Who said investment banking had to be so bland?

I need to find a high paying, part time job, or quit working all together, buy an RV and travel the country until I die.

I need a book to read, to distract me from my laziness