Leaps & Bounds: The Truth About Bullies (from a Non-Parent)

Happy Leap Year Kiddos. Hope you enjoy this fantastic extra day of 2012!

This year bullying has continued to be a focal point among parents, media outlets, schools and general population folks like myself, and therefore I believe it is virtually impossible not to have an opinion on the matter. It is everywhere- we are told of the dangers of bullying constantly during news programs and popular television shows, in fact, I don't think anyone can say that they do not know someone who is being or has been bullied or is or has been a bully. It is an ongoing, common problem which has been brought to the forefront of public concern recently. Thus, of course, I have an opinion. Several in fact, and I look at this in a variety of ways.

1. Being Bullied.   As a young girl I was bullied, regularly. This became worse when I moved (in fifth grade) to a new school district. I was smaller in stature than most of my classmates, was (VERY) late in maturing and was slightly younger than most of my age group. Moving to a new school was hard. I was constantly harassed in the neighborhood by "popular" boys who tormented me on a daily basis with unrealistically mean comments, inappropriate contact and horrible nicknames. And, teenage girls are even worse. Those I called my friends would suddenly turn their backs on me, ridicule me in groups and force me to spend many "breaks" crying in the girls restroom. And, the abuse I had to endure on the school bus was unbearable. I distinctly remember one instance when a girl who regularly bullied me shoved me against the window and screamed in my face. I still have no idea what that was about. Being a child in this situations is very difficult. Having to deal with this on a constant basis, the fear, the rejection and the self-hating that results from this is far too much for a young developing mind to handle. It is horrible and as a young teenager, I felt alienated, "no one understood me" and I hated my existence.

But as an adult I have realized that all of that was a part of my growing up. Almost everyone I know now has had a similar experience. And, I highly doubt that my "bullies" even really knew (or remember) that they were my bullies. In fact, the two I mentioned above, are both my Facebook friends whose postings I review regularly and who I greatly respect for becoming successful, talented adults. Having long since "forgiven" them of any wrong doing as a result of the fact that bullying is just a part of life.

....Ah, but the Television chimes in-- Teenage Suicide has increased, Bullying is a larger problem now than when you were a child....

2. Teenage Suicide. Here's the thing that no one wants to hear about, Teenage Suicide has been happening since the history of teenagers. As a 30-something adult, I guarantee when you were in high school, you heard about someone committing suicide, or you threatened to do so. Teenagers are dealing with a vast amount of new emotions that they cannot control yet-- as a result some reach this terrible point. I dont believe bullying itself has led to an increase in suicides. The problem is not teens, its technology.

3. The Technology "Advantage" The difference between when I was bullied and now, is that once I got off the bus, it was over for that day. My nicknames would spread around the school slowly- where as now, with the advent of technology such as Facebook, Twitter and texting, our technology allows our bullies to CONSTANTLY attack, and in a public forum no less. While I am all for the advance of technology- maybe we should consider the results of our actions here. It's not the bullies that have changed, it's the format in which they operate. As we become a society more and more focused on pretend relationships, in which we convince ourselves that we are more connected when in reality we are more separated, (don't believe me? right now, we are "connected" as you read this, but in reality, you are alone on your computer just as I was alone when I typed this) our children will become more advanced in this form of communication-- inevitably some bad things will come with it, like pornography and general meanness.

4. The School is Responsible Seriously? In speaking with my mother, a public school teacher in the state of Ohio, she mentioned that recently it has been declared that the school district is responsible for any bullying that takes place OUTSIDE of school to one of their students. I cannot wrap my mind around this one. How can the school be responsible? What can they do? While I agree that the school should be aware of bullying that is taking place inside the school during school hours, I do not grasp how they can possibly be aware of every instance of bullying outside of school and what they could possibly do about it. It is not the School who should be responsible. (I feel like I say this about a lot of things) IT'S THE PARENTS!

And let me tell you, parents-- those of you who are actually DOING SOMETHING for your child regarding bullying, I stand behind you and respect your ability to make the best decisions for your child, his or her life and well-being. The problem is not with those who are standing up and doing something, the problem (as usual) is the massive amounts of parents who do nothing. They don't teach their children how to properly deal with being bullied, or how to treat others so that they do not become the bully. As a former school administrator, I have to say, the number one problem is the parents, either they do not listen, do not care or do not take any action- insisting that the school should be responsible. -- give me a break.

5. Prime Time Television Please give me back my Glee and my New Girl free of bullying episodes. I get that it is a hot topic right now, but for the love of everything holy, continually making episodes about the topic further perpetuates the problem. Either kids prone to be bullies see the "bad" kids on television and think it's cool to do so, and end up involved in some school shooting, or they over analyze themselves, begin to think of themselves as monsters and end up in some school shooting, or the bullied kids believe their lives are so horrible that they end up in some school shooting or suicide. Enough is enough- plus my selfish side misses watching hilarious and fun television. This bully topic is getting old and depressing.

I just think that we ALL should be focused on promoting positive self awareness in our children. There is enough out there in the world to screw them up in a plethora of ways. Let's back off this bullying craze, focus on teaching our children how to communicate with others, have a positive self image and be strong enough in the face of adversity to stand up for themselves. -- basically, I think it's the responsibility of the ADULTS in this scenario to get it together, stop being so sensitive, stop shifting the blame and give our children the tools to survive this crazy world.

Me

I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes me (and Dave) unique. Of course this line of thinking has been brought about in light of our upcoming nuptials-- why we are perfect for each other and what the perfect, uniquely "us" wedding looks like-- and I realized something, I'm not sure most people (with the exception of Dave) really know me-- my personality and things I like/identify with I mean...

For example...

1.  I love OLD things:
--I love old movies. Singin' in the Rain-- classic I will never get tired of. Roman Holiday-- favorite Audrey Hepburn movie, and Citizen Kane is still number 1 to me.

--my most recent, most loved personal purchase (non-wedding related): a real 1950's working (adapted) rotary phone.
-- my favorite piece of furniture: Dave's vintage amp

2. I love vintage pin ups
-- Remember when I dressed up as a pin up for Halloween? For weeks afterward I would wear red lipstick and victory rolls to work-- I 'd dress that way every day if it wasn't so much work, and was more socially acceptable
--pin up artwork is classic, enough said.

--If I was cool enough, had the right job and the time-- I'd be rockabilly, and I would LOVE it.

3. I love vintage posters & music posters.
-- I love those old style large type advertising posters.
-- I also love music posters and have a collection (that I love more than I can explain) of Derek Hess posters from Cleveland.

4. I love crazy shoes
-- when I was a kid I HAD TO HAVE these ridiculous boots-- my parents called them my witch boots-- but I loved them more than anything else I owned.
-- my all time favorite pair of shoes were bright turquoise, suede sketchers. If I could find another pair of them, I would buy them immediately.
-- My current favorite shoes are designed by Carlos Santana-- how cool is that? (the ones I wore to Christmas-- and I wear at LEAST once a week!)

-- I love wearing interesting shoes-- all black outfit and pink shoes-- yes! And, recently, I completely fell in love with a pair of royal blue shoes-- soon to make their appearance *wink wink

5.  Short Hair
-- I have had short hair for YEARS-- then around 25 I decided to try it long-- I hated it-- every minute.
-- I love my short hair, it's more my personality-- plus it's WAAY easier.

6. Music.
-- I know, I know, everyone says they like all types of music but I really do. Country, classical, hip hop (some of it), bluegrass (in small doses), indie, punk rock, alternative, rat pack, swing, big band, jazz, 80s, and some popular music- I like it all.

-- Currently stuck in my head:

There are of course many more points to my personality, like that I love my great dane, I hate the grocery store and I would be a secret CIA sniper if I could-- but we should save that for another time.

The Hard Way

I have never chosen to do anything in life the easy way, the way you are "supposed" to, I never followed the mainstream, "This is how you achieve success" rulebook. And, despite all the years of headaches I have thus given my parents and friends, I feel it is time to explain myself.

I did it on purpose.

Now surely, you're thinking..."whaaaa? you got arrested for speeding violations, worked for minimum wage and got in a 4 car accident ON PURPOSE?! I don't think so." Well, in specific terms you would be right, but I did allow certain situations to occur, including these bad ones. As I see it, bad situations happen, regardless of if you always do the "right" thing or not. The thing is, it's the way you handle these bad situations that builds your character. Did I always handle these things correctly-- of course not. But did I learn something about the way life works, how I handle stress and bad situations, and a little about myself/growing up? You bet. And, that's the part I was fully aware of-- and purposefully taking part in.

I have always done things my own way-- which is precisely the reason I love art, literature and science, but not mathematics. My mind works in the realm of constant possibility. This mind function has led me to several realizations about myself, including:

1. I refuse to do what people tell me is the "right" way to do things. There are just too many other options, and I want to find my own way.
2. I need to live in an area where there are boundless opportunities/activities/cultures. A small town where everyone and everything is the same, drives me a little batty eventually. Give me a city.

There is no "right" way. I did everything the "hard" way and got myself into and out of terrible situations, yet still command a certain level of stable success as a 30-something. You may not envy my life-- but I would ask you to respect it. I didn't get here by any means other than my own self awareness, tough real life experience and ability to accept limitless possibilities while believing in myself. 

Of course, perhaps you and I have a different idea of what success is.

To me, success is: Securing a stable career with a practical salary which allows us to live well, within our  means. Participating in a loving relationship in which both partners are fully committed and respectful of each others individual dreams, while sharing a common understanding of life. Living each day of life to the fullest potential, recognizing the multiple possibilities each new day brings. Respecting every culture and every individual. Taking joy in the small aspects of life, and not being caught up in the Capitalist notion of money and consumption. Taking time to allow art into your life, as it feeds the soul. Living your life in a manner that is truly yours, and cannot be defined by a generalized ideology of what success means.

As a result of my living my life in this manner, and doing things my unique way, I have no regrets. I cannot (will not) blame anyone or anything for the mistakes I have made. I have to accept my choices, and move forward. This has allowed me to gain confidence in myself, my choices, my actions and etc.

One of these choices was to move to Chicago. I realize that for many this is difficult to understand. I am very proud of my small town roots. As being from a small Ohio town, I learned the values of hard work, loyalty and determination. I learned that people are just people, no matter where you are, and they deserve your respect. But, small towns, however pretty, peaceful and hard working, are not for me. My mind operates in a sphere of possibility, and there aren't as many options in a small town. Small towns do not offer as many cultures to learn from, varieties of foods to sample, multiple art installations to review, etc. Since I can remember, despite my upbringing, I have never felt like I could breathe in a small town. It was as though I was suffocated, unable to take a breath. Cleveland was the first city I lived in where I felt like I could breathe easier. Chicago has relieved the stress, I no longer hold my breath, I can finally breathe. You don't have to envy our life here-- but at least try to respect it.

We are not all the same. I realize that many of you thrive in your small towns, and that is perfect-- for you. I wouldn't ask it to be any other way. I truly believe, in order to make our lives as happy as possible, you must make decisions uniquely for who you are as a person. Maybe a small town suits you, maybe a city, perhaps the mountains, or even an island. What matters is that you do what is right for YOU. Luckily, Dave and I have found not only each other but a mutual understanding of what each of us needs as individuals to be happy-- and we compromise. I need the activity and possibilities of the city, he needs the feeling of a neighborhood with community-- thus-- we live in Rogers Park (possibly the best secret of Chicago neighborhoods).

And that's where we are now. We are happy. And, that is why I did everything the hard way. I never have those days where I look back on my life with regret and think," what would I be doing if I had chosen..." because I did choose it. I did explore the possibilities. I did work multiple jobs before finding something that suits me. (Don't believe me? try this: Car salesperson, business to business office supplies sales, drug store assistant manager, retail outlet assistant manager, department store jewelry counter rep, talent/model scout, pre-k teacher, montessori school assistant director, event planning, radio station promotion, investment banking-- to name a few) I did live in multiple places before finding one that fit (Zanesville, Reading, Columbus, Cleveland, Chicago). I did allow those bad situations to build my character-- I give really good advice it turns out-- I have a lot of life experience. And, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

American Cultural Icons

I have always loved things that have become cultural icons, typically American cultural icons presumably due to the fact that I live in the US.  But I love particular ones. Rock-n-Roll culture for example, I love what The Doors have become as a symbol, not who they are as people. (More about this on my other blog). But I love other less obvious things as well.

Case in point: Fortune cookies.

I have always loved American Chinese food, I love takeout, cheap dark Hunan restaurants and I will even admit that I sometimes go for the mall food court version. I can't help it, it is delicious. And, something I love that goes along with it: fortune cookies. This purely American cultural item has captivated my soul. For years I have collected my fortunes. Much to Dave's dismay, I do in fact keep a vase full of my past fortunes, and a few extra cookies I haven't gotten to yet. I do not take the fortunes seriously, but do believe you must eat the cookie for it to come true.

My obsession with fortune cookies began when I lived in Columbus. For a period of 3 or so months whenever I would eat Chinese food (which was frequent), regardless of if I had takeout from the closest place, dinner with friends at the dive down the street, buffet or nice dinner with family-- I got the same fortune.

That fortune was: "keep on charging the enemy so long as there is life". I got it so many times, from so many different places, I decided the universe was trying to tell me something, though I was not sure what. I decided I had better hang on to these little slips of paper.

And I have done so ever since. I have the vase on our counter as I previously mentioned, but at any moment in time I probably have pockets full of fortunes, or the bottom of my purse is lined with slips of paper.

I like them so much that for my birthday one year Dave got me a giant personalized chocolate covered fortune cookie  (isn't he the best?!)

This week, another strange cookie occurrence. In both my evening graduate classes, which take place on different nights, in different rooms, involving different people-- I found a fortune. A single slip of paper suspiciously lying in the middle of the floor or table. And I am apparently the only one who noticed.  I love when the universe gives me something fun to enjoy.

Favorite fortune ever? "ignore last cookie"

Ramblings of a Boring Person

I think I used to be much more interesting and intelligent when I was younger, or perhaps, in my youth I was just naive/cocky enough to believe I was interesting and intelligent. Hard to say.

I can't wait to be married to Dave, but planning a wedding that will cost thousands for a few hours of enjoyment might be the death of me.

Why can't I just chop off my hair and dye it bright red? Who said investment banking had to be so bland?

I need to find a high paying, part time job, or quit working all together, buy an RV and travel the country until I die.

I need a book to read, to distract me from my laziness