Leaps & Bounds: The Truth About Bullies (from a Non-Parent)

Happy Leap Year Kiddos. Hope you enjoy this fantastic extra day of 2012!

This year bullying has continued to be a focal point among parents, media outlets, schools and general population folks like myself, and therefore I believe it is virtually impossible not to have an opinion on the matter. It is everywhere- we are told of the dangers of bullying constantly during news programs and popular television shows, in fact, I don't think anyone can say that they do not know someone who is being or has been bullied or is or has been a bully. It is an ongoing, common problem which has been brought to the forefront of public concern recently. Thus, of course, I have an opinion. Several in fact, and I look at this in a variety of ways.

1. Being Bullied.   As a young girl I was bullied, regularly. This became worse when I moved (in fifth grade) to a new school district. I was smaller in stature than most of my classmates, was (VERY) late in maturing and was slightly younger than most of my age group. Moving to a new school was hard. I was constantly harassed in the neighborhood by "popular" boys who tormented me on a daily basis with unrealistically mean comments, inappropriate contact and horrible nicknames. And, teenage girls are even worse. Those I called my friends would suddenly turn their backs on me, ridicule me in groups and force me to spend many "breaks" crying in the girls restroom. And, the abuse I had to endure on the school bus was unbearable. I distinctly remember one instance when a girl who regularly bullied me shoved me against the window and screamed in my face. I still have no idea what that was about. Being a child in this situations is very difficult. Having to deal with this on a constant basis, the fear, the rejection and the self-hating that results from this is far too much for a young developing mind to handle. It is horrible and as a young teenager, I felt alienated, "no one understood me" and I hated my existence.

But as an adult I have realized that all of that was a part of my growing up. Almost everyone I know now has had a similar experience. And, I highly doubt that my "bullies" even really knew (or remember) that they were my bullies. In fact, the two I mentioned above, are both my Facebook friends whose postings I review regularly and who I greatly respect for becoming successful, talented adults. Having long since "forgiven" them of any wrong doing as a result of the fact that bullying is just a part of life.

....Ah, but the Television chimes in-- Teenage Suicide has increased, Bullying is a larger problem now than when you were a child....

2. Teenage Suicide. Here's the thing that no one wants to hear about, Teenage Suicide has been happening since the history of teenagers. As a 30-something adult, I guarantee when you were in high school, you heard about someone committing suicide, or you threatened to do so. Teenagers are dealing with a vast amount of new emotions that they cannot control yet-- as a result some reach this terrible point. I dont believe bullying itself has led to an increase in suicides. The problem is not teens, its technology.

3. The Technology "Advantage" The difference between when I was bullied and now, is that once I got off the bus, it was over for that day. My nicknames would spread around the school slowly- where as now, with the advent of technology such as Facebook, Twitter and texting, our technology allows our bullies to CONSTANTLY attack, and in a public forum no less. While I am all for the advance of technology- maybe we should consider the results of our actions here. It's not the bullies that have changed, it's the format in which they operate. As we become a society more and more focused on pretend relationships, in which we convince ourselves that we are more connected when in reality we are more separated, (don't believe me? right now, we are "connected" as you read this, but in reality, you are alone on your computer just as I was alone when I typed this) our children will become more advanced in this form of communication-- inevitably some bad things will come with it, like pornography and general meanness.

4. The School is Responsible Seriously? In speaking with my mother, a public school teacher in the state of Ohio, she mentioned that recently it has been declared that the school district is responsible for any bullying that takes place OUTSIDE of school to one of their students. I cannot wrap my mind around this one. How can the school be responsible? What can they do? While I agree that the school should be aware of bullying that is taking place inside the school during school hours, I do not grasp how they can possibly be aware of every instance of bullying outside of school and what they could possibly do about it. It is not the School who should be responsible. (I feel like I say this about a lot of things) IT'S THE PARENTS!

And let me tell you, parents-- those of you who are actually DOING SOMETHING for your child regarding bullying, I stand behind you and respect your ability to make the best decisions for your child, his or her life and well-being. The problem is not with those who are standing up and doing something, the problem (as usual) is the massive amounts of parents who do nothing. They don't teach their children how to properly deal with being bullied, or how to treat others so that they do not become the bully. As a former school administrator, I have to say, the number one problem is the parents, either they do not listen, do not care or do not take any action- insisting that the school should be responsible. -- give me a break.

5. Prime Time Television Please give me back my Glee and my New Girl free of bullying episodes. I get that it is a hot topic right now, but for the love of everything holy, continually making episodes about the topic further perpetuates the problem. Either kids prone to be bullies see the "bad" kids on television and think it's cool to do so, and end up involved in some school shooting, or they over analyze themselves, begin to think of themselves as monsters and end up in some school shooting, or the bullied kids believe their lives are so horrible that they end up in some school shooting or suicide. Enough is enough- plus my selfish side misses watching hilarious and fun television. This bully topic is getting old and depressing.

I just think that we ALL should be focused on promoting positive self awareness in our children. There is enough out there in the world to screw them up in a plethora of ways. Let's back off this bullying craze, focus on teaching our children how to communicate with others, have a positive self image and be strong enough in the face of adversity to stand up for themselves. -- basically, I think it's the responsibility of the ADULTS in this scenario to get it together, stop being so sensitive, stop shifting the blame and give our children the tools to survive this crazy world.

Midnight in Paris

I finally got around to watching Midnight in Paris. Why I didn't do it sooner, I don't know. It was fantastic-- but this could be my personal bias towards: Owen Wilson, Paris, the concept of living in an earlier time period and well known authors/artists.

So let's start with the first, Owen Wilson. Why do I have a personal bias towards him-- simple. Bottle Rocket. The 1996 Wes Anderson film starring Owen as Dignon. Dignon's character is perfect. Wilson's brother Luke is also in this film, and as a result I also have a strong bias towards him as well. But my love of the Wilson brothers has continued for many years-- largely in part to my corresponding love of Wes Anderson. (meanwhile, if you have somehow been living completely unconnected with reality for several years and have missed ANY of the Wes Anderson films-- please remedy that very serious problem immediately). As my love for Owen's characters has grown, it is no real surprise that Midnight in Paris is high on the list of likes.

Secondly, let's review this situation with Paris. I went there once-- a long time ago. There are two places in the world that I have visited thus far in which I was left with such a distinct, lasting impression that I will forever hold these places in my heart. One was Paris, the other Chicago-- where I now live. There is something about both of these cities that captured my heart immediately. The architecture, the history and the abundance of art, and the artistic, intellectual lifestyle wooed me from the moment I set foot in either city. Paris- the home of the Louvre- arguably the most famous and most impressive collection of art in the world. How could I not love Paris-- historically the epicenter of literature, art and political intellectual free-thinkers for decades. Each time I think of Paris I see myself in an earlier time, short hair, black turtleneck (yes, I realize that could be today) with a cigarette in one hand (it's the 40's-50's smoking isn't dangerous yet), at a coffee shop debating the finer points of some underground group or novel. Of course I don't live in these times, but rather consider them a moment in which life held a certain validity that we just don't have (especially in America) any longer-- but that brings me to the point of Midnight in Paris.

Throughout the film, Wilson's character is struck by the concept of living in Paris in the 1920's, the romantic view that life in another, past time period is somehow better. He is transported through time to the 1920's and beyond, finally living in a time he identifies with. Of course the moral of the story is that every intellectual artist of any time feels this way and as such we must all realize that each time in which we live is precious, it's just difficult to recognize it, especially when as artists we are all caught up in the past, reading and studying the past writers, and artists.

Thus, the final bias. Well known authors and artists. Look, you throw F. Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, and Picasso in a film-- I'm probably going to like it, if for nothing other than the mention of their names. But also manage to throw in their personalities and quotes AND add Dali, T.S. Eliot, Gertrude Stein, Josephine Baker and Matisse-- and you've got my attention.

Overall, it's a great one. Loved it. And, check out what others have to say:

NY Times-- a historical view

 The Atlantic-- a cultural cheat sheet

Let's face it, this film had everything I would fall for going for it. Plus, the added bonus of figuring out that even though I am a literature masters candidate at the prestigious Northwestern University, I am not overly pedantic. --Whew!

Hearts for the Holidays

As the Holiday season approaches (rapidly), all of us are of course feeling the season's giving  spirit, and the heartwarming feeling towards our families and strangers alike. This early December, usually filled with Christmas shopping and planning trips home to spend time with family, has been a bit rougher than usual. I have spent the better half of the last week with my family due to the recent heart attack my father suffered last weekend. He is doing better and is home, undergoing therapy and taking medication. Hopefully, with luck and time he will make a full recovery. I have a full heart this year as we approach the holidays, as I have realized, due to this event, that my parents are no longer the young 30-somethings they were when I was a child. My heart is with them both, and every member of our families this year. May each of us live to our fullest, never take life for granted and be glad each day that we have each other, and we love each other.

This past week has been trying, my final papers for the quarter I am sure have suffered greatly. But, Dad has made a lot of progress. In two weeks when we see him again for Christmas, it is sure to be a much more pleasant and wonderful visit.  Besides, who can resist 3 great danes? (Our two plus my mom's). Should be a good time.

The "New Normal"

Dave and I thought that after the wedding (in JULY!) we would settle in to a new normal, life would calm down and we would be happy newlyweds enjoying life. We thought, we'd move downstairs into a larger condo, to accommodate all of our junk, and provide a more suitable guest room for our parents to visit. We thought we would get a new great dane puppy and enjoy the beauty that is puppyhood. We thought new normal would be wonderful.

But things haven't calmed down, we haven't settled in and lately neither one of us has been all that happy. We got into the new condo, which we love-- and now are faced with the fact that our landlord is putting the building up for sale-- which means we can either buy the place or hope no one else will. We got our precious puppy, who is finally doing well after two months of being very ill and stressing us out both emotionally and financially. And, I was sick for over a month with bronchitis that just won't go away-- I'm still suffering from a lingering cough. I started back to school so my weeknights are filled with class, and my weekends are full of homework.

Since we got back from the honeymoon-- life has not adjusted into the new normal we thought we would have. Perhaps the new normal is this-- life constantly surprises you and for every moment of peace you get, there are three moments of stress, arguing and major decisions to be made. So basically, the new normal is the same as the old normal.

Here's to major changes not making a major change after all.

I think we're dealing with a sociopath

Yesterday in my small office (5 of us were in) someone used the common microwave, burned something awful, created a terrible burned toast smell in the office, attempted to "clean up" with no success and then, LIED about it. We polled the 5 people present and everyone said they had nothing to do with it. Continuing into today, everyone claims they had nothing to do with it, offering long stories of their innocence. Why would you lie about this, unless of course you are a sociopath.

Basic profile of a Sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. 

In a related note, after reading this profile I am completely convinced that one of my co-workers is dangerously close to the edge of becoming a serial killer.  (though not nearly as intelligent as the famous Hannibal Lecter) Probably the same person who is lying about the microwave.

Tis the Season

The temperature has dipped slightly, the leaves have begun changing, Halloween costumes grace all the stores.  You know what this means....

Hockey Season has started.

Before you judge, we fully admit that we are bandwagon Blackhawks fans. But, the timing just worked out so well. Considering the fact that while Columbus does indeed have a hockey team (Bluejackets.. we will beat you on Friday!) they were only introduced as an expansion team in 2000. Before that, hockey and Ohio... not so much.  So, we had ignored hockey through our early years and early adulthood, with only occasional observations of the sport. Then we moved to Chicago.


We arrived in our new home and decided we needed to get to know the area, the teams and the variety of sports. We tried liking the Cubs. eh. We tried the Sox. better, but eh. We don't care for basketball much, and we haven't made it to a Bears game yet. But, last year, we were given free tickets to the first Blackhawks playoff game. 2 things happened.

1. Dave and I loved it, instantly, entirely and equally
2. Andrea fell in love with Patrick Sharp

Since, we have witnessed our new found love win The Stanley Cup. It was so exciting, we still get chills thinking about it. Andrea stood in horribly muggy hot weather last summer with millions of people to watch the parade and see the cup (and Sharpie, of course).

And now, the season has begun again. 82 games this season, and we intend on following every one. Hopefully, to another positive result. Though, we realize it is unlikely we will win the Cup again this year... but there's no reason not to cheer and hope!

But we have a few concerns.

We lost some of our Stanley Cup winning team due to the salary cap. The hardest for us is Antti Niemi. Our fantastic goalie, now a San Jose Shark. We have Marty Turco as a replacement, but so far, 2 games into the season we aren't all that impressed. Perhaps we are being a little hard on him, still mourning the loss of Niemi, and hopefully he proves us wrong. So far, we've lost our first two, but with 80 still to go, we aren't worried (yet). Hopefully we beat Buffalo tonight.


Let's Go Hawks!

DJ's Are Cooler Than Me

DJ's: Work in a hip, modern office with ipads

Me: Work in an office that is roughly the same temperature as the Arctic, where I have to run my heater all day, even when it's warm outside.

DJ's: Know who sings every song

Me: Every time I hear a Sublime song, asks Dave, "Who sings this?"

DJ's: Have time to go to rad (that's right, I used rad) concerts and shows

Me: Lucky if I make it to the dog park once a month

DJ's: Have cool tattoos

Me: Can't decide what tattoo I would still enjoy when I'm 85

DJ's: Get invited to bunches of parties

Me: Still have no friends after living here for 3 years

DJ's: Have to work on Saturday

Me: Probably also have to work on Saturday

Meanwhile, we met our (soon to be) Wedding DJ last night. We are still working out the details, but check out their cool little shop for a preview. Toast & Jam

They even have cooler company names than me. *sigh

Common Sense University

We hire interns in my office to assist us with research, marketing and presentations, as well as usual intern stuff like coffee runs and filing. We post at prestigious schools in the greater Chicago area, and have a g.p.a. stipulation of 3.75 or above. We have a small, laid back office which provides these interns with the ability to be flexible, work with top executives and really get to learn something. Plus, we pay them. In return, all I ask is for 2 things: 1. respect 2. do the work we are asking you to do. Seems simple, right?

But I have noticed an interesting trend. Students who don't quite make the g.p.a. cut off, and/or are from the "less" prestigious schools make better interns. They listen to me, they respect the positions of all the members of our team, they ask intelligent questions, and they complete the work to the best of their ability. The super students from top-tier schools with amazing test scores and off the chart g.p.a's have continually let me down.

Oscar Wilde said, " Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."

I can't help but be reminded of this, of how important common sense is in real life every time I am faced with intern blunders I can't understand. Below are some common examples, keep in mind that these are not examples of ONE intern, but many, and have occurred multiple times, all from excellent students from a top school.



1.Paper/Folder Sizes: I cannot count how many times I have had to explain and even demonstrate with examples the difference between letter size paper/folders and legal size paper/folders. Countless times I have a letter size hanging folder in my left hand, and a legal size in my right, and have to lay them on top of each other to demonstrate the difference.


2. Alphabetical Order: At what point did we stop learning the order of the alphabet? "W" comes after "P" and "Pr" before "Pu". I don't even have words to describe how annoying this is.

3. 3 Hole Punch Operation: There is a fancy machine made to punch holes in a piece of paper, you literally slide the piece of paper into the side, then push down, and Presto! 3 holes! Ok, let's go over it again, you slide the piece of paper in... in the front... until it stops.... ok, you press down... no, keep the paper there while you press down.... *sigh

4. Binder Construction: We have given you a stack of paper, every 15 or so pages there is a blank sheet on which we have written the title of the section. We have handed you tabs, a 3 ring binder and the 3 hole punch (that hopefully you remember how to use now). Your instructions: put this in the binder, the names on the blank pages are the names of the tabs. It is already in order. Yet, 20 mins (yes 20!!) later, you bring me the binder, and extra pages.

5. Answering the Phone: We are a business, this is not your cell phone, "hello?" doesn't cut it.

6. Proof Reading: Occasionally we ask for help proof reading final documents. First of all, it's a giveaway that you didn't read it closely if it only took you 10 mins to finish a dense 100+ page document. Secondly, in your scouring, you missed: " The company has one several awards" you will not be asked to proof again. As a side note of proofing: for the love of everything holy, do not turn in a presentation to me that you clearly have never read. I hate re-doing your work.

7. Punctuality vs. Punctuation: Me: "I'd like you to work on your punctuality" Intern: "Yeah, I need to work on my comma placement"

8. Calls to Clients:Occasionally we ask interns to assist in database updates, sometimes this means calling to get updated contact information. If your list a. hasn't been approved and b. contains the names of our CURRENT clients... please do not call them.

9. Ask Questions Related to the Work: I get it, you are here to learn. But, I need you here to do your work, so stop asking me tons of questions about something you recently learned in class, UNLESS IT RELATES to the project you are supposed to be working on.

10. Galloping: I don't get the running/galloping up and down the hall, is it to save time, be more efficient? Are your gchat friends and solitaire cards not going to be at your desk when you return from down the hall?

11. Time Sheets: I hate to break it to you, but you are not getting away with anything, I know full well that you sat in the conference room playing solitaire and chatting with your friends all day, listing 8 hours for the day on updating a presentation is ludicrous, especially since I had to re-do the whole thing. Also, you didn't work on Labor Day, or Christmas or New Years Eve.

When I bring things to your attention, all I ask is that you listen, contemplate and respect my position, but instead, more often than not I get a snide remark such as, " I'm a (Prestigious School) student!" as if this is proof that you are far more intelligent and superior to me. Well, I don't care where you go to school or what your g.p.a. is if you can't figure out a 3 hole punch!

*sigh. I worry about the future of humanity.

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